A Tearful Goodbye to a Biological Child, It's Okay to Grieve

Infertillity is one of the most common reasons a couple or person may choose to pursue adoption. Some people look to adoption only after having gone through numerous fertility procedures (I personally know of one couple who completed eleven IVF cycles before deciding on surrogacy). For others, it only takes a doctor making a diagnosis for the exploration of adoption to start.

In either case, a prologed medical evaluation usually takes place. During these months the dream of having a family intensifies, and realizing your family may not grow by traditional methods (pregnancy) can be devestating for some people. Almost every person in this situation contemplates "what might have been" at some point in their journey. It is normal, it doesn't mean you will love your adopted child any less, in fact, some may feel a deeper bond because of it.

Reproduction is viewed as nature's given gift. A person always assumes they will be able to have children unless told otherwise. To have the doctor tell you "you are different" or infertile make make you feel set apart from others. Especially as you watch the others in your life adding to their families seemingly on a whim.

I would often think and picture my unborn child. What he/she would look like, what her eye color would be, or her hair color. Would she have curly hair like me, or bean straight hair like my husband? The questions in my mind were endless.

The switch to adoption was not hard for us. We started pursuing adoption after one failed IUI. However, this did not avoid a deep grieving process. The feelings of grieving did not involve the "its not fair" attitude (that was a different pity potty process) but rather a saying of goodbye to the child that I never knew. To prepare for having a child I had picked out my ob/gyn, visited hospitals and even bough maternity clothes in preparation. Even after I found out about our fertility problems I started to buy fertility books and practiced charting my cycles. When the depth of the medical problems became clear is when I started to grieve and began to "let go."

In my mind I pictured what my child would be (a girl). She would have the eyes of my husband, his coloring, my cheekbones, and my dark curly hair. I then began to say goodbye to that dream. Once I was able to let go of her I began to fantisize what my child, through the gift of adoption, would look like.

I was no longer bound by the characteristics of our family appeaarances. My child could have red hair, be darker skinned, a petite nose, or even a different race. I was free to accept the adoption process, the anticipation, and the joy. I have known people who write letters for farewell to their dream biological child, others have done a memorial of sorts (like planting a tree), something to allieviate the sense of a loss of control. Personally, I never did these things. Saying goodbye was enough, and I needed to fully embrace the future without being reminded of the physical and emotional I felt during those times.

No matter what actions are involved in your personal grieving process, rest assured that when you hold your new baby girl/boy for the first time the thought of any other child in your life at that moment will disappear, you will realize he/she was meant for your family. The adoption process you endured will fade away and you will be smitten with the new life entering your family and realize you wouldn't have wanted it to happened any other way.